Adoption experience

My Adoption Experience

By

Margaret Theriault

It was the end of February. I came straight from the hospital with my birth mother. I was seven days old. My birth date was February 20,1959. I was a pudgy 9 pound 4 ounces. I had a half hour drive with my mother and a friend. It was an hour before the children would be walking home from school. This was planned so that there would not be prying eyes when my mother arrived at our destination. This is where my Adoption experience began. My sister, age 5 1/2, came home from school to discover that she was now a big sister to a brand new baby. In letters mentioned to my grandmother, I apparently settled in well. I cried a lot at night and I was wheeled out to the kitchen in my bassinet. At three, I remember mom tucking me in bed. "We are glad that you are our little girl," she would say to me. But then the message that caused me grief would be when Mon explained: "your mother and father couldn't look after you and so they asked us to take you in." This message struck a chord in my young life. I pined for my mother. I became anxious and I wondered, "Where did my mother go?Where did my father go?" Every time I asked mom these questions, I was brushed off. I was expected to forget my birth family. My heart sank inside and I tried to push my anxiousness away. Growing up in a small town in Port Hope , Ontario I went to school and church with my family. I adored my older sister. Dad and Mom nurtured me and I somewhat settled in with my 'new' family. We visited with friends and other family and there was a lot of laughter in our home. Many came to our home. There were many good memories.

My school experience was not as positive as my home life. I experienced ànxiety and cried a lot. If the teacher couldn't come to help me as soon as I needed her, I panicked. The message I got was, "What if I am left to flounder on my own like my birth mother left me?" I wondered where I fit in. I felt this way especially when my tears came out and the children teased me.

The holidays were a reprieve from school. We gathered with aunts, uncles and cousins and had a lot of fun. I loved getting together with them all. However, I did pick up that the adult family members were uncomfortable around me. I also noticed how much I looked like the relatives on my mother's side of the family. The other side of my family and I clicked much better. I visited with these family members alot. However, I knew that I was adopted and I continued to pine for family. No matter what my parents did, I just couldn't settle down and relax in my family. My grades were affected in highschool. I needed to know the identity of my birth family. I tried to forget about my birth family and just be content with my family in the present. I couldn't even tell people that I was adopted. I saw the look of shame when I brought the topic up. My life was chaotic inside. I tried to keep my inner condition quiet. This continued into my adult years. I shoved down pining for my birth parents. I didn't know why I became angry. I lashed out at people. I felt sadness inside..........

I did eventually find the identity of my birth parents. It took many years for my mom to become honest with me. I finally asked mom when I was 30. I started by looking on my own. I finally begged mom to tell me. Mom had the answers and would not tell me. The long awaited pining for my birth parents was kept from me. This part of me remained a mystery. I was left without answers.

On our third wedding anniversary, mom was worn down by my explosive reaction, first with another no response and coldness. Finally she turned to me and gave me answers. I found where my mother and father were. They had always been nearby and in the background. My birth parents lived in the town next to Port Hope. They were extended family. The family who were uncomfortable around me. I have learned that both families were a part of who I am.

I take pleasure being able to identify with both families. My relationship changed with my mom. My birth mother wanted to be close but has held back. My birth father cared for me but didn't get through the guilt he experienced. Mom and I were able to talk freely once the wall of secrecy came down. Mom explained the situation surrounding my mother in a bad way, emotionally. My grandmother and grandfather were supposed to have taken me but changed their mind at the last moment. My father came to ask his brother and wife if they would consider taking care of me. My name at birth was changed from Linda Marie to Margaret Diane, named by another grandma.and sister. My mom and dad were sworn to secrecy. My grandparents didn't even know. There were questions about where I came from. My mom still wasn't okay with me talking about my other family. I understand that my identity is different from most adopted families. My family tree was switched at birth and both family trees are about me.........

It is only by education that I am able to have closure. I understand that my identity is not based on my family tree. I have felt the loss of my birth mother even until today. I have felt the loss for 61 years. How can this be? In some ways, right from within my mother's womb. I did understand the situation and reasoning by my mother, but all I wanted was the security I felt in the womb. I have heard people tell me how blessed I was to be in my family. I was blessed. But try explaining that to an infant who has bonded in the security of the womb. I was the infant who only knew one mother then and no one else. I was left with a wonderful lady but I continued to look for my mother. I heard her voice from time to time and wondered where I had heard her voice. I pushed my thoughts down. I even looked like my birth parents. How could that be? I am Adopted. I am not supposed to be pining for my birth parents. I had great parents wanting me to forget my birth parents.

It is so important that in this generation and generations to come to listen to adoptees who have struggled with identity and loss issues and to have a voice. We have wondered at times why we felt the loss as we did. We wondered if what we were experiencing was normal or if we were imagining things. When I read adoption books I understood what was going on and I relaxed. When someone speaks I understand---"you are the only one who has experienced these feelings of loss and identity...."

My whole life changed. I wasn't crazy; my feelings were valid! I learned more about loss and identity. I could move forward. I began to realize that it was not my fault that my parents could not look after me. It is so important to communicate it was not their fault. People need to be aware of the damage done and the marks left on me. Education is key. Understanding and listening helps. Raising a child from a different background is not an easy task. I found that pining for my mother stopped, but pining for the truth about my mother was never truly satisfied, even though my life has changed. I am a grown woman. My memory is stuck at birth, never to be found again. I was looking for the nurturing I had in the womb and the time leading up to my separation from my birth mother and father. It has been a disappointment and yet so necessary to remember. I think that it had become a fantasy that I could fit into my birth family. It's okay though as I have come to terms with loss. I learned that life is just not fair. I learned that I have to look to the future. I look and ponder what life would have been like. I believe that it is different, not better. We can choose to be better or bitter. I choose to be better. Adoption has made an impact on my life. I have survived my Adoption experience. I have come to realize that it doesn't define my life, There is more to me than being adopted. My early days were a crisis. I am not in this kind of crisis anymore. I am now married 31 years. I have a great life. It is not problem free. I am blessed with a home and friends and family.I have food on the table. My life is good. I have authored 3 books. I wrote about my adoption experience to help others who may have struggled like I have. If one person is helped through my story, then my life has not been wasted in my Adoption experience. I exercise. I have a dog who I love and loves me. I share my experience with Social Workers, parents and their families. I live life the best way I know how. I move forward, better, not bitter.